HOSPICE

The last day of November and the world is pretty much dark at 4:30pm.  Winter in Canada is cold, dark and makes me weary.  That is not only winter, but is also how I feel in my daily life: cold, dark and weary.  Bob has been in hospice two days and one night.

The idea of Bob, perhaps, having to go to hospice was something we had talked about.  My desire had been to have him at home until he went to be with Jesus.  Sadly that was not to be.  Bob was loosing the strength in his body.  His legs would just give out on him.  Bob had fallen a fair number of times and thankfully was never hurt badly.  We learned how to navigate in different ways together, then with a walker and then a wheelchair.  The day we were walking together ( I had learned how to have a good position and a good hold on him) we both went down together.  Fortunately neither of us were hurt and we did laugh but that sealed the decision.  Bob transitioned to a hospice.  It is a nice facility with kind, helpful people but it is not the same as home.  It is tough not to have some guilt, that I failed US.  Yet I know that he is safer with showers, going to the washroom etc etc.  As the first day unfolded, I felt the tension ebb away from me.  I was not responsible to have the pills ready at the right times, have a meal that was edible for Bob, make sure that there was water and all things ready and in place.  I was able to be with Bob and love on him with the responsibility left for others.  Yet, the evil one pokes away at my guilt about the responsibility that I gave up.  Pray that I will stand against it because Jesus is my all in all.

Bob is weary and if  we are alone he will sleep for a good percentage of the day and night.  His appetite is not great and he doesn't eat very much.  We have have talked about going to heaven. However, we are human and the hard part is leaving what we know; family, friends and places.  The day we left our condo for the hospice was incredibly difficult for me.  I kept thinking that he will not be back, he won't wear those shoes again, he won't use this elevator again, won't drive our vehicle and won't merge onto the Deerfoot again.  The reality and sadness of all of that made me incredibly emotional and broken.  This cancer journey has been long and often very rough.  Pray with me that Bob's journey will end soon and he will be home in heaven, where there is no pain, no sadness, no sorrow, no cancer.  Pray that the journey will end with Bob still having a twinkle in his eye, a smile and the ability to talk with us.  I love him so.  

The Lord, My Shepherd

"In Pastures green"?

Not always;Sometimes

He who knowest best,

in kindness leadeth me.

In weary ways, where shadows be.

And by "still waters"?

No, not always so; oftimes

the heavy tempests round me blow,

And o'er my soul the waves and billows go

But when the storm beats loudest,

and I cry aloud for help,

the Master standeth by,

And whispers to my soul, "Lo, it is I"

So where  he leads me, I can safely go.

And in the blest hereafter I shall know.

Why, in His wisdom, He hath led me so.