Bob had 2 weeks off of the drugs and I didn't notice it that much until yesterday when he started the chemo again and now, I noticed. I took normalcy for granted and didn't notice well..........how common normalcy is until it isn't. I am thinking that in Bob's mind and body the initial start of each week of chemo must feel maniacal. The crash must send his mind and body into a real tail spin. We always hope that then, sweet sleep will come. My Bob, even then, tries to live a life that looks as normal as when not on drugs. He tries to live a life that is normal to me and our kids. I know that puts a tension in his mind and body. The "drug happening" is hard for me to describe and is probably inexplainable for Bob. I love Bob so much. These drugs that give him a longer life make me sad. It is a sadness for who we were together before cancer and an incredible thankfullness that I still have him.
My Bob was diagnosed with multiple myeloma almost 4 years ago. The initial words out of a doctor's mouth was that Bob had between 18 months and 3 years to live. A friend of ours, Greg R., was with us at that time. I remember that being spoken but don't remember much else. I was strong and determined we would get thru this. Bob thankfully doesn't recall any of this.
Little did we know the road that we have started down a road filled with bumps and pot holes. In spite of the jarring that is experienced on this trip we are so thankful for the health that Bob does have. Thankful that he is still able to work at a job that he is enjoying and that helps to keep his mind sharp. We are thankful that he can still do so much to help others and do things for our families.
Yet I deal with the start of each week, kinda lonely as he spins about doing a whole lot of different things--day and night: a glass project, computer stuff, reading on his Kobo, changing out a sink and doing plumbing, making a picture frame--actually 2, reading the paper when it comes in the very early hours.All this yesterday and until noon today. Yesterday he was also on the clock for work so he did a number of pick ups around the city and is constantly in communication with the people working on the estate. Saturday night the crash starts to come. Sunday is a recovery day but also a busy one too. Towards evening he is done. We have learned to take life much slower. There are times that I was beginning to resent this process that is repeated over and over plus adding in the labs and Dr. visits. Seems like a treadmill that is never going to change.
The epiphany is that it isn't going to change and that we still have each other, we can still laugh and enjoy all the things that life has in store for us. The epiphany is that my attitude and Bob's attitude had to change. Rather than waiting for "a change" of some kind --a cure-- we needed to embrace the life we have now as best we are able. This epiphany came about from a visit with a Manitoba friend passing through Calgary to B.C. He shared his loss of his wife and the time leading up to that loss.
I also bought the book Never Leave Your Wingman by Deana J Driver. It is Dionne and Graham Warner's story of hope. They miss the whole part of eternal hope, but still a very brave story of a woman who is and has battled seven kinds of cancer with her husband at her side. They embraced life in ways that seem unbelievable to me knowing how hard it is to deal with cancer and drugs. Yet it is also a challenge to embrace life and what the Lord has for us in a full on style.
God willing we plan to embrace the things we are presented with as much as money and energy allows and make some memories. Our amazing families love us and are the bright and shining star helping to guide us on this road all the while holding tight to the Hand of God our Father.
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